Monday, October 26, 2015

God Doesn't Cause Pain Out of Lack of Love

I'm pretty sure there was a sale on weaknesses happening in Heaven before I came down to earth, and my love for sales drew me in (also a weakness) and so I took as MANY as I possibly could, for some reason underestimating the pain it would cause. 

In 2011 to 2013, I had severe OCD, anxiety, and depression, it almost broke me as just surviving day to day took absolutely everything I had. I couldn't figure out where this came from, it seemed to arise and worsen almost out of nowhere. I became so weak and vulnerable that it led me closer to Heavenly Father more than anything ever had before in my life. I remember staying awake way into the wee hours of the night just pleading for a little bit of deliverance so I could go to sleep and rest my anxious mind if only for just a few hours. These were the two longest and hopeless years I had ever had to experience in my life up to this point. 

Looking back, I often think about why I went through this experience. Why would Heavenly Father cause me to break like that? It was only in these precious years could I really come to know my Savior and Heavenly Father, but I didn't recognize that until after the sun started shining bright with a fresh new start in 2014. It was only through this experience that made me so extremely weak and homesick for my Savior that I would actually find the faith and courage to trust God enough to break up with a boy who was breaking my life. It was only through this experience that I would understand what it means to be succored by my Savior Christ. 

It was a beautiful experience and I wouldn't trade a minute of that pain for what I gained from it. Who I became after that experience was beautiful and I cherish it more than anything. The trials God brings us through, He always brings us through. 

I thought I had learned what I needed to learn and it would all be uphill from there. May of this year, I found myself crying daily for no explainable reason. Sadness started to become all I knew, as life has seemed month by month to get progressively harder. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and depression started to become very familiar again. Feeling attacked in life and trying to hide it all because of the stigma our society places upon mental illness. I didn't understand why my weaknesses were coming to attack me once again. 

Hadn't I learned everything I needed to the first time? Weren't those two years of non-stop trials and very little hope hard enough? The problem with asking these questions is the fact that we underestimate God's love for us. 

God doesn't cause us pain out of a lack of love.

Elder Whitney has said: 

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire”

Who am I to question what inflictions God sees fit to put upon me? Especially when it is I that says prayers asking for humility and pleading for Heavenly Father to "help me become the person He needs me to be." Acquiring Christ-like attributes is different for every single person. It happens in so many different ways. I like to think that I knew and understood something so different and so beautiful up in Heaven that I can't comprehend right now. I like to believe that I splurged on the "weakness sale" up in Heaven because I recognized the dependance it would require of me to come unto Christ. To constantly have a need to turn to Him and rely on everything He has to offer me, it's beautiful. 

It does get hard though, some days I just want to throw my hands in the air and yell "Why me?" and "I don't want to do this anymore." Some days I sink to my knees wondering where Heavenly Father is in this minute and what I did wrong. And yet, I am SO blessed with moments where I feel as if there are angels around me, bearing me up {D&C 84:88}. I am SO blessed with friends that listen to my struggles and care. I am SO blessed with tender mercies that the Lord knows I need. He is constantly there for me, even in the moments I feel as if He has left, He never does. 

So I may not understand why I have to keep going through the same heartbreaking struggles, the same trials that are just heart wrenching to me, but I do know the Lord has a plan. I know with all my heart hope is never gone and Heavenly Father has a plan, and these trials are not without purpose. I'm excited to see in the end what the purpose is. But for now, I desire to trust in it. I desire to learn of my Savior as much as I can as I plead for strength and deliverance.

I don't know who will read this post. I don't know what struggles you personally go through. I don't know what breaks your heart and makes you feel as if the world has completely turned against you. But what I do know is that Heavenly Father knows your heart, He hears your pleas, and He never leaves your side. He cries when you cry. He hurts when you hurt. He loves you more than you will ever be able to know or understand. 

He allows you to be tried and to experience pain because He is making a masterpiece out of you. 

He has great, great plans for you! Never lose hope and trust that the end will soon draw near. Make it your goal to not shrink from the burden placed upon your shoulders. Better days are ahead of you and Christ always come to succor you. 

It is in the moments we need Christ the most, 
that we come to know Him the best. 

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