Saturday, September 19, 2015

Christ is With You in Your Battle of Depression

Depression is on my mind today, and I feel inspired to share. Depression can be a scary topic because of how real it is, and how different every individual battle may be. I was hesitant to share because I don't want this post to be a "woe is me." I don't have all the answers, I have the support that I do need, and I am very blessed by what I learn and feel on my journey. I'm sharing because I feel someone needs to hear this. Even if it's just ONE person, writing this is worth it, because I feel we go through painful experiences to help others.

Yesterday was hard.
Yesterday I felt all of my hope start to hide behind a cloud.
Hope being lost is hard enough for anyone to go through, 
but the struggle can be unbearable if you're trying to become like Christ,
and you feel miserable because suddenly the Christ-like attribute you're SUPPOSED 
to be living by has left you and you don't know how to get it back.

In my battle of depression, it hits like flashes.
Flashes of despair that feel as if they will last forever and ever.
Flashes that cause so much anxiety and make you want to call it quits right then and there.
And pleas of help for the atonement to come rescue me take up every drop of energy I have,
and the relief isn't immediate.
And then once again you feel miserable, like you aren't giving enough or not doing enough
to have the help from Heavens come rescue you.

It's like this constant battle of just trying to make it through the moment,
but then looking at real the powers of Heaven are and feeling beyond unworthy of them,
because you're not giving everything "that is expected of you."

Tears streaming down my face, feeling so trapped and isolated is an experience so hard to forget.
When your heart seems to breaking, it's a very keen pain,
one that makes every bit of hope you had at one point appear to be tucked away.

In those moments, I think that is the darkness and the burning fire 
we have to experience in this life. 
The kind of pain that forces us to our knees without any control.
I think depression can be a gift, a gift that reminds us of our constant need for God.

The beauty of what feels like these very deep, dark despairing moments
is the sun, the sun always rising, and THE SON always comes.
It may feel like we have been left alone. We may not see hope or feel Christ in these moments.
But I testify HE is there and He feels what we feel.
I testify He cares. I testify He still loves you no matter what you feel.

I think those with depression happen to be the hardest on themselves.
They tend to feel guilt in extremely painful ways.
But I honestly believe there is no need to feel guilt.
If hope becomes lost in your moment, fight for it, YES!
But feel guilty about how tucked away it feels? NO!

It's okay to accept that hard moments exist.
It's okay to love yourself anyways.

Sometimes I become discouraged because you hear of all these stories 
where the atonement completely cured them, and their lives have been changed.
Christ brings me hope. He brings me light at the right moment. He is there. 
But my story isn't one where it's been a permanent healing.
Maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't.
But no matter what, I won't stop believing in the atonement.
I won't stop fighting for hope no matter how lost it may sometimes feel to be.

If you have depression, my heart aches for you.
Look to Christ, let Him bring you hope.
It may not be immediate relief, but Christ is walking this journey with you.
He gets it, He knows.
Find the blessings and the goodness in what these trials are doing for your heart.
You are NEVER alone, this I testify. 
When you feel unloved and forgotten, just remember, 
it is completely the opposite.
This journey is a hard one, but allow it to bring the good out of you.
Allow this journey to bring you closer to Christ than ever before.

{The Sun is Rising - Britt Nicole}

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