Thursday, July 9, 2015

There is beauty in every weakness

I suspected something was wrong when I would have deep incredible conversations with others. Conversations I was eating up every word and feeling the spirit so strongly, then when I would get home I had forgot what it was we just discussed. It didn't make sense to me. I have always had a problem retaining new information. I knew I was capable of so much more. I knew I was putting in the work and doing everything I possibly could to retain information, study, get good grades, learn the piano, learn dance numbers for pageants - so why wasn't it sticking? Why I was having to work ten bazillion times harder than everyone else was and I was still so far behind from everyone?

At the age of 25, I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD (by the way, ADHD is something you are born with. So even though I was diagnosed in my adult years, I've had it my entire life). I was heartbroken and relived all at the same time. I was relieved that I could put a label on my problems and there was reason and science behind my weaknesses. Although I had feelings of relief, words can't even describe to you how heartbroken I was that I actually had ADHD. This isn't going to be a a whiny post, promise! But can I just say, ADHD SUCKS!!! It really does. Especially when you go your whole life knowing you are so different from every other person, but having the inability to have a reason why.

Inattentive ADHD is very different from Hyperactive ADHD. For me, it means information I hear and learn doesn't always stick and I can't retain as much as I would prefer. This makes school and pursuing my journalism career oh, so very hard! It means that it's so hard for me to keep attention on anything for too long and motivation of doing the daily tasks is a battle. My desires and ambitions don't show through my results. It's frustrating and I find myself discouraged over this problem often.

But the beauty of this weakness is the gifts that come with it. While I may not talk tons in conversation, I'm listening to you more than you will ever realize, I'm caring more than you can comprehend, and I'm internalizing your words in a way you have never thought of before. I can see the bright side of just about anything and my greatest ideas come at the very last minute. 

There is good in all things, and while I'm still trying to figure out how to treat this problem I know there is purpose and beauty in it. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't give us challenges without giving us mercy and the atonement to help us through the process. I know Christ has felt the discouragement I face and I have felt him lift me and comfort me in the times I need it most. I know our weaknesses can bring us closer to Christ if we allow them to. I know confidence is a gift that comes from the Holy Ghost as we take our problems to Heavenly Father. For the Holy Ghost has the answer to EVERYTHING!

I can't wait for my mind to be perfected in the next life. I can't wait to learn more about Christ on this journey that seems so daunting and discouraging at times. While living with ADHD is SO difficult, a rare form of it that I have yet to meet people with my same struggles and people that can even slightly understand what I'm going though, I do know I have found SO much beauty in my weakness. I see grace in my trial daily and I am forever grateful for that. I refuse to be defined by this problem. I will take what I have been given, I will water the flowers and not the weeds and I will embrace it all. I will keep moving forward and see the beauty in what I have been blessed with (because weaknesses can very much be blessings). I have SO much faith that every single thing we go through and we're given can be for our good. {D+C 90:24}

I like this blog to be a happy and beautiful place, but here's my philosophy: Can I really help girls build their self esteem and embrace all that they are; weaknesses and strengths alike if I'm not real and honest? No! I don't believe I can. 

So dear girls that read this, What's your biggest weakness, the thing that weighs you down the most? Go write about it! Write about the sucky parts as well as the beautiful parts found within your weakness. Then share about it so you can inspire those in your circle of influence. After all, we are here to learn and grow from one another as we find the roses among our thorns.

Be real.
Be true. 
Be authentic. 
Be yourself!

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